Day 15.
On endings.
There’s something about endings that sits heavy, even when they’re supposed to feel like relief. I thought I’d get here and just be grateful it’s over; grateful I made it, grateful I can finally stop. And I am grateful. But there’s more underneath. I’m relieved and anxious and a little bit sad in a way I didn’t expect.
I saw a note today; someone was asking what comes after you gain a large number of subscribers — the “what’s next?” question. Now, I didn’t gain a large number of subscribers (let’s not even pretend), but the question still feels relevant. What comes after you finish something? Satisfaction? Pride?
The truth is, finishing feels good and strange at the same time. There’s pride, but also this hollow space where the routine used to be. And maybe that’s the problem with accomplishments: we’re always rushing to the next one before we’ve even processed the last. We finish something and immediately ask “what’s next?” as if sitting with what we’ve done isn’t enough. As if we’re not allowed to just be proud without already planning the next move. I think that if we never forget why we started in the first place, we wouldn’t be so quick to move on. We’d give ourselves permission to sit in the completion for a while. I forgot my ‘why I started’ a lot during these 15 days. “Who send me message?” became a frequent thought. But somewhere between Day 1 and now, I remembered: I started because I was tired of waiting for inspiration to meet me at the pages of my notepad, for the perfect idea, for something profound to say. I guess I wanted to see what would happen if I stopped waiting and just showed up. And my eyes have seen. Literally and figuratively.
In these 15 days, I’ve seen how showing up is harder than it looks. How consistency isn’t about motivation or inspiration but doing it anyway, even when the words don’t come, even when you’re tired, even when you have nothing profound to say.
And now it’s over. And I don’t know what comes next. Do I keep going? Do I stop? Do I take a 3-month sabbatical ? ( this one’s very tempting don’t blame me please) The answer isn’t clear yet, and that’s what makes me anxious.
But for now, I’m just grateful. Grateful I started. Grateful I finished. Grateful for everyone who read along, who commented, who made this feel less lonely.
See you again ❤️