love notes I couldn’t send.
Some years back, I loved someone and kept notes of all the things I wanted to say but didn’t. From when I fell to when I fell.
what is this pressure that I feel?
my heart could tear out of its mediastinum any minute.
Is this what I think it is?
the newness of love is exciting.
you don’t speak but I hear you. when you send Spotify links
and tweets about new pancake recipes, I hear you. when you send IG reels and cheesy tiktoks, I hear you.
when you send muted snaps of your smiling eyes and Sunday jpegs.
you don’t speak but I hear you.
I hope you hear me too.
In the whole of my years on earth, l’ve never known what I wanted or why I wanted what I wanted or why I don’t, what I don’t.
But It’s only been two weeks since I met you and I’m quite certain that I live only for two things in this world
- for your love and the downfall of Man-U
You are not my first love I’ll admit
That’s reserved for the many writers and write-ups that stole my teen heart.
But I’m ready to write a new story with you. Our story.
When I think of you, I’m urged to write and when I try to write, words fail me. It’s something you’ve always done - steal the words out of my mouth, head.
You crossed my mind today. And every other day before today.
Because I couldn’t think of a better excuse to text you, here’s me blatantly throwing my pride in the gutter and borrowing this cloak of courage, in hopes that I don’t make a mockery of myself. And who knows? if things go well, I just might be a married woman by tomorrow.
And because I know, what my unrefined love could do to you, I’d rather cut my tongue before you hear my confession.
The lasts. Of holding hands. Of eating together. Of quick hugs and smiling eyes. It was our last of everything but you probably didn’t know and maybe that’s why you were so calm about it ( that’s what I’d like to believe). It’s been awesome learning what it feels like to be in your life, even when you’re always not there but I’ll live with just the idea of you. Arigato
From this distance I see only two stars in the dark sky; they’re quite far apart.
Tonight’s moon is missing 1/2 and so am I.
Grief is a funny feeling, because here I am, smiling at the thought of you.
And what happens to the tears that we’ve refused to let out? Do they disappear or are they saved up for stormy days?
And the words that we’ve swallowed? Do they fill up our guts or are somewhere waiting to explode?
I hope we never find out.
I don’t exactly remember the details of what happened anymore but sometimes, I regret not sending them and then I don’t. I wonder what would’ve happened if I’d been braver, but I know that some things are easier written than said.
Day 12❤️
🫠🫠 Aye!!! I'm soo jealous of whomever these notes were meant for...